My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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