Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
