I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize