what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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