I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
