I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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