Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
