I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
