Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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