The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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