i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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