He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
