we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
