Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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