I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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