every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
