Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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