Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
