I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
