I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize