mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
