There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
