If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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