She is in my trunk
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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