girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
