I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
