He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
