R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
