ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
