turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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