So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
