She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize