Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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