He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
