If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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