i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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