This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
