if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
