I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
