i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
