My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
