my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
