FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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