respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
