What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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