I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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