Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
