just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
