I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize