Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
