I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is Oprah even human
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
