Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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