The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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