Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't deserve a penis
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
