I puked a lego.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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