after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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